I have been stuck in an endless loop of trust and peace turned to tears and heartache. I think two things can be true at once. I have struggled with heart problems for most of my life and it caused my husband and I to agree that it was wiser to not have more kids. We had always talked about two and my doctors were saying that it might kill me and I shouldn’t do it again. Baby 2 put me in the ER with my heart being stopped twice with a drug called Adenosine while my husband was forced to wait in the car. I ended up needing heart procedure number 2 afterwards. So my husband got a vasectomy.

Fast forward to the end of 2024.

I felt a call to have more kids being laid on my heart by God. I half way brought up a vasectomy reversal to my husband and it was shut down VERY fast. Not only is that ANOTHER procedure for him, but if there was any possibility of me dying, He was not entertaining it. I secretly prayed that God would make it fail but it was now about 3 years plus since we had gotten it done and there was no luck. All of my friends were getting pregnant. Well, most of them. Everywhere I turned, someone was announcing their baking little bundle of joy and I was SO happy for them… and so very sad that it wasn’t me. I finally decided to close that chapter and I grieved. I grieved the third child I would never have.

March of 2025 came rolling along and my husband and I were not in a healthy place. His job was so demanding. My job was newer and had its own tensions. I was struggling to do everything that I had been doing. I remember throwing my face to the ground during an event my church hosted called Gather 25. I cried. I prayed. I worshipped. I surrendered.

My husband and I attended a retreat of sorts with other men and women of faith. Men go one week and women go a second. No technology or outside influence, just you and Jesus. It BROKE us. My husband had picked me up and as we were driving home, he said “I was so afraid of what would happen to you that I didn’t even ask The Lord what his will for us was. I’d like to pray about having another kid. If he closes the door, okay. If he opens it, Okay.” Everywhere we turned God just opened the doors. Finances, fixed. My husband got a new job. Marriage, healthy. Car problems, solved. Medical issues, no longer an issue. Every where we turned, we could hear God calling us to have a reversal.

So we did.

$2,000 later and a whole lot of nerves, we had decided to put the ball back in his court. The procedure was done in July 2025 and when January 2026 came, it was time to see if it had worked. He went to the lab January 25th and on January 26th, we learned that it didn’t work. By 6 months, you kind of know. All possible healing should be done by this point. And it crushed us. The enemy saw opportunity. I had been diagnosed with depression in November and was already struggling with my emotions.

I think as Christians, we want to “suffer well”. We want to appear like we have Joy and appear like we have peace and look like we are unmoved. All of the above are still true. I have joy. I have peace. My faith is not shaken by the circumstances. God is still good. I know He has good plans. I know His timing is better.

But I am also sad.

Back in December, a friend told me of a thing where you buy a baby item, wrap it, and then by this time next year, you get to open it with baby. Now, I know this isn’t a guarantee. It’s a fun little way to choose hope. I had forgotten I had ordered a baby blanket and a pair of matching socks until it arrived in my mailbox today. I set it on my bed and just stared at it. I can’t open it. There’s no immediate tears or frustration, just the empty reality that opening it means processing and today has had enough events.

My husband is working LONG hours preparing for a big opening at work. I’m talking 14 hour days. Not many shy of 11 hours. He is salary and we have ALLLLL of the things going on. Speech therapy for my littlest, physical therapy for my knee that is injured, sports for both kids, grocery runs, homeschool, bills to pay, and a part time job in ministry (which means it’s full time), homemaking, meals. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO BLESSED. Each of these things are either helpful or full of joy, it’s just a lot to juggle without my spouse. This morning started off with me missing my alarm with people set to arrive at my house at the exact time my eyes opened. From there, I was scrambling to make anything on time.

My emotions were fried. I also have POTS so everything in my body is amplified to the level of “THE SKY IS FALLING” even when it’s the smallest thing. I left the bag on my bed (it’s even still unopened as I type this) and I carried on to make dinner for my kiddos and churn a round of ice cream. I had to swallow my pride and invite a friend over to help me clean but that’s where relationship really happens, right? That’s a whole other thought process I’m sure I’ll get into someday soon. I have food in the oven and ice cream prepping only to open the fridge and realize that we are out of heavy cream. I almost threw it away. The thought of racing out of the house for anything seemed more daunting than it actually was. I had someone coming over soon and I just didn’t want to be scrambling again. I decided to place a target pick up order. I rallied my kids and my dog, since that’s easier than the circus of my kids wanting to put him up, and ran to complete one last errand.

The feelings started to feel consuming. Or numb? I’m not quite sure which. I prayed in the car. In the midst of conversation with my kids and correction of the dog, I asked God to just show me that I am where He called me. At this point, I had started to wonder if I had acted out of my own free will instead of following what God wanted and that’s why our reversal failed. Isn’t it funny how we think the trials or closed doors are a result of our disobedience? How fickle are we? To think we have earned God’s no or earned His silence or earned His “consequence”. I just prayed God to wrap me in His reassurance and provide me comfort. To speak truth where the enemy wants me to believe a lie.

I park in my little spot and type in my parking space and my verification code was 7777. Maybe I should have played the lottery? Kidding. I don’t believe in “angel numbers”, but I also don’t believe in coincidence. 7 is the number of completion. That’s scriptural. 7777 is like a nod to alignment or divine order. Basically, you’re on the right track. God is at work even when you can’t see the outcome. I just smiled and a little tear rolls down my face. Thank you Lord for speaking.

See… I think we equivocate sadness to a lack of trust, a weakness. John 11 tells us a story of when Mary and Martha send word to Jesus that His friend is deathly ill and He needs to come quick. Jesus gets there to be told that his friend has been dead in the tomb for 4 days. Then comes the shortest verse in the Bible, “He wept”. Jesus knew He could raise him from the dead. He is THE resurrection, yet He held space for the sorrow. He was so moved by the grief and weeping. He did raise him from the dead if you don’t know the story but the point I am trying to make is that sadness is not weakness. Sadness does not mean you have lost your faith.

I think when we verbalize our feelings and bring them to the feet of the savior in honesty and confidence, we find freedom and surrender. We have lost the response of holding space for the tears. Surrender isn’t the absence of fear or sadness or anger or anxiety, or any other “negative” feeling. Surrender is feeling those feelings, bringing them to Jesus, and choosing to trust and worship through them, not knowing what the ending looks like. It’s saying this sucks, but have your way God because I know that YOU are GOOD.

So that’s my hope for you and I. That we find a way to remember what peace and joy and surrender actually looks like as we face the trials and heartbreak…

Under The Sun.