God uses so many of our trials to refine and teach us, if we are just willing to listen. I’ve been stuck with the gas peddle all of the way down lately. Hubby still is working long hours. Nothing has slowed down. Work is at full throttle with a large event on the horizon. Everything is at full chaos. To top things off, my littlest is sick. Too many times have I been physically unable to move off of the floor or I am in excruciating pain just standing and doing the dishes. I mean, I have’t even typed on here in a few days… almost a week.

I’ve had to ask for help a lot. I’m the kind of girl who just gets things done. I think maybe I still try to prove myself or defeat my sickness or maybe I just don’t feel like I should need help. Yet, here I am humbled. Unable to do the most basic of things. I’ve even tried to love my husband well and every attempt to shower him with love has fallen flat on its face. Cheesecake too tall, despite me following the recipe for once. A brand new bottle of oil shattered on the floor minutes after unloading my groceries as I was prepping to make steak… for my husband… who is a chef.

When the oil and glass spread across my kitchen floor, I just sat down and cried for a second.

Then I heard the whisper…

“It isn’t about you.”

Okay. Okay. I hear you. I even had to step down from serving in one of my favorite places recently and all I could hear when arguing about if God was sure was “it’s not about you. It will happen with or without you.” Oof.

I was reminded of the story of Jesus in Gethsemane. The night before He was crucified, He brought His closest friends with Him and then prayed “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death… stay here and keep watch with me.” He fell on His face and asked God tif it was possible to this cup from Him and then said “Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

His surrender, despite the acknowledgement that He didn’t want the pain and suffering, chose obedience for God’s glory.

I think this shows us that we can be honesty about our hopes and wants, it’s okay to ask for help, and God’s glory is greater than our comfort. Even Jesus asked His friends to come with Him to pray.

I find myself wishing in these days that my husband was home to help, my body wasn’t constantly in pain or near blacking out, my schedule was slower, our finances were more stable, we had direction and action with our goals for a house and car, that we could have another kid… etc etc etc. But 1. I need to be content in all circumstances and situations and 2. I don’t have to do it alone. It’s not about me. None of this is about me. I don’t know about you, but I feel loved when someone asks me to step in to their hard. When I am trusted to walk with someone in the mess. It sometimes was my reminder that I am still needed and valued. When we let people into our mess, we build relationships with them and let them know that they aren’t alone.

Too much of our world hides behind a mask. They say “I’m fine” or “Oh no thanks, I’ve got it”. We all walk around presenting like we are happy, content, perfect, and unmoved. Even the people struggling the most can seem the happiest. We hide. Worried that we will be a burden or that our mess is too messy. We even try to protect people around us because “They have enough going on as it is without adding my mess”. Reality is, we are not doing anyone any favors. We are making it worse!

So I’m humbled. I’m volunteering to step down. I’m asking for help with cleaning my house. I’m asking my friends to watch my kids. The dishes wait. because it’s not about me and how put together I can be. It’s about me accepting God’s grace and allowing my people to help fill the gaps. God blessed me with a rich community, something I never want to take for granted, but something I need to learn to lean on more often.

I think back to the story of Paul with the thorn in his side. He asks God 3 times to remove a painful affliction. God answers with “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”. God does not always remove the hardship, but we can trust He will sustain us through it. Our weakness is where He is strong. All I can do is keep bringing excellence (not perfection) and ask my people to step in to the mess with me while I figure out how to manage life…

Under The Sun.