I’m a mess.

I’m a broken, sinful, messy person who continues to fall short daily.

Yet, I’m who Jesus chooses.

Sometimes I struggle with all of my short comings and inadequacies being a tool for the enemy to convince me that I am not enough. That I am too messy to do what I feel God calling me to. Today, is an especially low day. My body is failing and I find myself, yet again, sitting in the recliner with a heating pad on my knee. My back hurts. My leg hurts. My hip hurts. My knee hurts. I have a plethora of invisible health issues that knock me on my back side. POTS has been a silent monster this week and I feel my head spin at random moments of the day. Hashimoto’s has caused inflammation out of my ears. Of course the enemy is using my testimony that I’ve shared to remind me of painful and hard moments in my life to try and get me to live in a place where my identity is misplaced in to what the world calls me instead of in what my King calls me. An incident happened that made my self image and confidence absolutely tank. I’m not an insecure person but man oh man is that being tested. I also am preparing for a big and beautiful event at my church this upcoming weekend where we are praying God move in ladies’ lives. Of course the enemy is very unhappy.

I love when things circle back around years later and I find myself in awe of how faithful and gracious God is. I posted the lyrics to the song “Broken Things” by Matthew West 4 years ago on my Facebook. You can click the song title and I have linked the YouTube page. Of course my memories popped up today and I definitely cried. Hello. I’m a cry baby. I am feeling extra defeated and unqualified. I feel like almost every area of my life is showing me that I am not enough.

I find it so funny how we (All people. Men and women alike) get tied up in our self worth being in our performance or the “put togetherness” of our life. It’s such a broken mentality.

Guilt or shame or embarrassment become the pinnacle for hiding away and saying “no” to where God is calling you. I’m humbly reminded that perfection is not what God is after. If He waited on perfection, He’d be waiting for a LONG time. See, repentance and vulnerability go a long way. We wouldn’t need Jesus if we had it all together.

I’m still studying David. My book references David as something along the lines of “as close to Jesus as man could get”. We often hear him referenced as a man after God’s own heart. But MAN was he messy. Abuse of power. Lust. Murder. Etc. I find myself in shock sometimes at how messy his life gets because all kids ever hear about is his big faith, his fight against Goliath, his harp, his destiny to be king, and Jesus coming from his lineage. It seemed like all roses. And he isn’t the only one!

Paul persecuted and killed Christians before becoming an apostle.

Peter denied Jesus three times out of fear.

Elijah struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts.

Noah got drunk.

Moses had a stuttering problem.

Gideon was fearful and insecure.

Jonah flat out ran away from God.

Thomas was a profound doubter.

Jeremiah thought he was too young.

All of scripture is filled with testimonies of God using broken and messy people to point others back to Jesus. Our weaknesses, failures, and painful experiences are exactly what God uses. People all around us feel exactly like we do. When we walk around with a mask on, we rob people of the beauty that is Jesus using and redeeming us anyways. We miss out on an opportunity to speak hope over the hurting. We rob people of knowing who our source of peace and joy is. It isn’t in the circumstances. We are all human. I just recognize that God is the ruler of my heart and He calls me to more. He calls me to serve. He calls me to be different. He calls me to share the good news and go and make disciples. Our life is for His glory. Our salvation and worthiness doesn’t come from our performance. News flash, we are all unworthy. We don’t deserve anything God has given us, yet He gives us His love and His grace freely. We just have to recognize Him as the Lord of our life. Surrender. Repent. Let Him make us different.

Let Him make us Whole and Holy.

SO

God, I am all yours. Use my broken and my messy to glorify you. Show me where sin lives and convict my heart to repent. I have nothing to offer you but mess and a heart of surrender. Refocus my heart and mind on to you. Let my identity be a daughter of The Lord most high. Use my sickness, my failures, my heartache to glorify Your name. Make the most of my life…

“Under The Sun”