I don’t have a direction for this post so we will see where I land.

Here it is again. Coming back around for the hundredth time. When you feel like you have momentum or some sense of normalcy or progress. Sometimes it feels like a merry-go-round or one of those baton team races where you hand off the baton to the next player… only the finish line is invisible… and uphill… grief mixed with exhaustion. It gets passed between me and my husband. It goes away and comes back.

Today feels off. I can’t tell if I’m tired or sad or irritated. It comes and goes. It’s crazy how all it can take is one comment or one experience to bring around hard feelings. I know when it started and I stopped and prayed yet here it is. Looming. Heavy. Off. Maybe I need a nap. Or a shower. Or some sunshine. Maybe I should read my Bible again today. Proverbs felt empty the first time around.

I sit in the quiet on my couch and give it space. Well as much quiet as the kids allow. Kids are playing in their rooms-ish. Dog is on the couch-ish. Tv is off. Music is off. Maybe that’s part of my issue. The music being off. My head just spins and spins from one place to the next, never finishing a thought. I swear, I have erased this sentence 3 times. It’s taking me forever to put my thoughts on here. Maybe I should put it down? No… The Lord said “Type” so here I am.

I originally came on to write about grief. That went nowhere. It’s back again but yet it feels empty. Then I was going to write about the life of David. I finished a study and it was freeing to know that he was used in spite of his mistakes. He was “a man after God’s own heart” and he was messy. It gives me peace and hope knowing God uses my mistakes and I am not disqualified. Ooh. I could write about seasons. David was a shepherd and a king. I mean, we could also look at Ruth for this example. I erased that and was going to talk about my husband and I being a team and how he is also having a rough go. Last night was good and heavy conversation about my husband’s feelings in all of this. Nothing just quite fits. Nothing flows. Everything comes to a dead end a paragraph in.

I think I just feel inadequate.

I stared at this sentence for a solid 10 minutes wondering where do I go from here.

In 2 Corinthians 12: 9 God answered Paul with “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Weakness… I dislike that word. It feels vulnerable and small. Maybe that’s the point. Just previously Paul asked God to remove the thorn from his side and this was God’s response. The response wasn’t empty, but filled with promise that God was present in the pain. Paul wasn’t given an answer but he WAS given the strength to keep walking. Grace became the steady support beneath the burden that still existed.

There it is.

Grace. Sustaining, repeating, never-ending grace.

Weakness isn’t the place where faith fails, it’s where God’s power is fully displayed.

Paul then responds with “For when I am weak, then I am strong”. This isn’t a denial of his suffering. It’s a recognition that God’s strength shows up where ours runs out. Society has created this idea that once we pray about it, we should never be bothered by it again. I mean, that’s real faith… right? Wrong. Grief lingers. Hardships can repeat themselves. Sometimes the thing we ask God to remove stays longer than we expected. Longer than we want.

But it’s a good thing grace isn’t a one time offer. It’s a beautiful thing that His strength doesn’t depend on ours.

I feel guilty when all of the ugly comes back around… again. Like my faith should just be bigger or my knowledge should help me move on. “I’m praying about it so quit thinking about it”. That’s not the reality of how we are meant to work. We were blessed (or cursed… my verdict is still out) with feelings. We care. We love. We cry. We laugh. We get angry. We feel tired. We feel silly. We don’t sit in one feeling for very long. When life is heavy or we feel sad or empty or angry, it’s an invite to sit at His feet. To remember that He is still there. He may not take away the source of our pain, but He promises to still be there and that He is enough.

His grace is sufficient. He is powerful in the weakness. He is enough. Despite all that we encounter…

Under The Sun.