It all kind of makes sense now. But it all kind of sucks.

We didn’t understand why our procedure wasn’t successful if we were confident God had called us to it. It became discouraging every month when a baby didn’t come. Grief comes. You pick yourself up and keep going. Saying you surrender and then struggling to leave it at His feet means you haven’t fully surrendered. That self talk stings a bit. I had began to have real peace and then yesterday came bowling in like a wrecking ball.

God sees even the things we can’t. His plans are so so good. I saw my orthopedic doctor yesterday for the first time and was expecting to either be told I am crazy or that something was somewhat broken as per every other doctor’s visit I’ve ever had. Neither thing happened. Instead I get to have a surgery for a deformation in my leg where my bone is literally rotated internally. They are taking everything off at my ankle, manually rotating my bones, and then reattaching everything. I’m sorry… what?

I’d be lying if I said that in the moments to follow after finally getting to my car, peace was overflowing. No, peace seemed like a distant friend I once knew. I reverted to what I always do. I began searching my brain to figure out how to make this all work. I have kids. I have a dog. A large dog… who got me here in the first place. I have insurance that sucks and they said there may not be someone here that can even do the surgery. I may have to travel out of state to even get care. Can I afford all of this? Will we need a hotel if we travel or can my honey stay with me? See the terrible insurance comment. Not to mention the knot in my stomach as I look at what the surgery actually entails. Recovery that takes forever. Cast for weeks. Rehab and physical therapy.

I go to work. I cry a lot. I get back in to my car to go get my kids and my first reaction is to be angry at the sudden realization that this surgery means pausing the efforts to have more kids. As fast as the feeling came, gratitude poured in. Praise God for His protection thus far so that we can have the surgery done. I don’t know if I could handle 40 weeks more of this pain. And then some.

I don’t want to look back at my idea of what should have been. Lot’s wife was literally turned to salt as she looked back at what she was leaving. It was this attachment to worldly possessions and her hesitation to following God that ultimately kept her from what was promised… for good.

While I have to actually sit and figure some details out, I don’t want to be consumed with “fixing it”. That’s not my job.

I also am struggling with personal wants. I am determined to not have this surgery until after camp. I get to go with my daughter for the first time this year. We’ve been talking about this for about a month. I want my joy and adventure before it ends for a while. I mean, I have to re-learn how to walk. Literally. I had made the comment that I am putting my foot down and it WILL be after camp to a friend of mine. He humbly reminded me that when we put our foot down, it often gets lifted back up. “Don’t end up in the belly of the whale. It stinks”. See the story of Jonah. He put his foot down and got swallowed and spit out where he was supposed to be anyways.

Oof. I’m humbled.

This sucks. I’m so tired of massive curve balls and the unknown. But God doesn’t promise us “easy”. He promises to be our peace in the troubles that we face…

Under The Sun.