I am a control freak. This has been something God has been working on for a long time. When something small goes wrong, I have a tendency to make small problems bigger than they are and fix it in an attempt to keep it from being another big issue in my life. I’ve been working on choosing peace for a long time now.

See, peace is always available to you. You just have to choose it. God IS peace. If it does not bear a fruit of The Spirit, it isn’t from God.

Life has not been easy lately. We have been fighting insurance because they decided to not pay for my therapy or my surgery or any of my X-rays or ultrasounds… after I had them. This was like $40k in medical bills and my son’s cardiologist visit is always just south of $1k and that’s coming up in the next month or two. My daughter needs dental work but it’s cheaper to use their in house pricing than to use my insurance. It’s still $1300. Plus the $400 “membership” to get the discounted price. My kitchen faucet started dripping. We fixed it. It stopped for a week. I cam home to puddles on my counter that were dripping on to the floor. I went to turn the water valve off and the shut off valve under the sink started spraying everywhere. This meant I couldn’t leave it on or off. This rabbit hole of issues led us to need new countertops, backsplash, sink, faucet, and shut off valve.

Do you ever just take a step back and laugh a bit? Like not necessarily that this is so funny but also, how in the heck can all of this happen to me at once. You find yourself looking up going “What else?!” with a bit of a hysterical giggle at the end.

My first thought was “How can I fix all of this?”.

There’s a verse in 2 Corinthians that tells us to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient. Obedient… Even now, I’m just realizing that my worry and fixing things is disobedience. Ouch.

I remember thinking to myself with each of these issues “God what am I going to do?”. and I felt an overwhelming response of “Be still and trust me”. With the insurance, I chunked a dog toy across the yard first but with everything, I found myself shedding a tear or two and then sitting with open hands saying “Take it. I can’t do it this time. It’s never worked. I just want you.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to him and He will make your paths straight.”

I have read this verse a thousand times and this is what was brought to my mind each time and I finally get it. Leaning on God’s understanding is trusting that He holds all of the answers in His hands and we don’t have to have the answers or know that it will work out. We just have to trust that He will use it.

What’s crazy is how long God has been preparing a way for this season. The sweet lady who cleans my teeth… I have known her for like 10 years at this point. I love chatting with her and asking about her husband and kids and vacations. I’d like to say we’d be friends if our circles met outside of the office. She saw it in my face or heard it in my voice. The worry. The heaviness. And I pray she saw the surrender too. She offered to cover my daughter’s dental bill that day. Her words were something along the lines “God blessed me when my husband lost his job and it’s my turn to be a blessing.” To say I cried is an understatement. Not only because of her kindness and obedience and thoughtfulness, but because of how God knit us together all of these years for this moment because nothing is accidental. How merciful and beautiful is He.

Remember the sink? I had a guy years ago who mowed my yard for like 2 years. There were times where it didn’t financially make sense to keep hiring him but we needed the help and God kept saying to do it. He had big dreams of starting a counter company (and being a police officer). I prayed over him multiple times throughout the years on my front door step. I remember days where God called me to give him extra and I wasn’t sure if we could but we did. I hadn’t’t really talked to him in a while. We briefly discussed me helping him with his books after surgery but when I called him for advice, he didn’t hesitate. Not only that, but he offered to wave all labor costs and help us get materials for our kitchen. His words were “You guys gave me my brake and were always so good to me and my family and I’d love to return the favor”. Again I am in awe of God and how long He was working for this exact moment.

The state got involved with my insurance. I got a phone call and suddenly, my surgery was covered and they were investigating why my therapy is being denied.

I’m not saying you only do good things for return. BUT God tells us not to be alone and to plant seeds and to love others. He is also a good Father who knows all things and loves giving good gifts to His children.

I found myself on my knees in prayer that week crying tears of joy. I truly believe God was asking me “Do you really trust me?”. It was overwhelming to see how much time and care God put in to this moment of my life. I also believe this surgery was made to happen now in order to make me be slow, to humble me so I would surrender. I think because I told Him to take it this time, He allowed there to be solutions. Much like patience, surrender grows by being given opportunities to surrender.

My boss over a year ago saw this struggle in my life and he tasked me with learning this verse in Philippians.

⁸Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.And the God of peace will be with you.”

I took it very seriously and I wrote this all over my mirrors and in my binders and notes. And it’s true. A lot of how we feel about out the chaos in our lives is in our control. It is our choice to choose surrender and choose peace. The chaos never goes away, we just become so rooted in Holy Spirit that we can’t be shaken.

I still have lots of loose ends in this story but I am excited to see how God uses it.

Under the Sun.